I know that I’ve mentioned my busy schedule here on this blog before.
It’s a problem I have. It really is. I have finally learned to admit it in this last year or so – and isn’t that ½ the solution?
I’m not sure if it’s a pride thing. (aka – The world needs me. These groups need me. I’m so very important.) Or if it’s a “I’m too scared to figure out who I really am so I’ll just keep myself preoccupied” thing. I’m leaning towards the latter. Either way, it’s not healthy. I’ve watched it affect relationships, friendships, my health. Lately, it’s been a real barricade to my dating life (or lack thereof) I’m really just too. dang. busy.
Instead of spring cleaning my house. (Which, frankly, did NOT happen this year). I am summer-cleaning my life. Purging out a lot of extra commitments and allowing myself room to breathe. As of this last Monday night, I am down to 2 commitments per week.
Of course, there are other things that are optional, and I certainly don’t plan on staying home 5 nights a week. But this is monumental for me. I haven’t had this kind of free space in my life in years.
Until recently I was juggling 5-6 scheduled committments each week. They are all good things, which is what makes it hard to say “NO”. But they are cluttering up my calendar and stealing just a little bit of my joy at the same time. I was thisclose to burning out and having a nervous breakdown just a few short months ago. Fortunately I could see the light at the end of the tunnel: July!!
I’m using my newfound free time to de-clutter other areas – namely my closet and my under bed storage. Also, I’m just plain relaxing a lot. Reading, watching movies, eating junk food. And spending some more quiet time in prayer. I am trying to embrace this slower pace wholeheartedly. But it’s gonna take some time, friends. I’ve got a lot of unwinding to do before I get to the core of things.
I watched the movie “Definitely, Maybe” the other night and one scene has stuck with me. I’ve been chewing on it for a few days now.
April: Why couldn’t you tell me this when you had your sh*t together?
Will: My sh*t is together.
April: Your sh*t is a mess.
That’s it – my sh*t is a mess. And I’ve been keeping my life too busy to clean it up.
I’m not yet used to the lack of noise in my life and in my head. And it doesn’t help that there’s a lot of very painful and confusing drama going on in my life right now – both personal and professional. All of this “free time” creates more space in my head to replay different scenarios. Of course, the PMS only adds to the fun and gives me reason to believe that “this too, shall pass”.
But at some point I’ve got to just “embrace the crazy” and work through it rather than push it to the periphery and ignore it until I think it’s gone away. Because, unfortunately, it never really goes away on it’s own.